Decided I’m quitting my job today. Been talking about it for months, years, decades, since the dawn of time. Today’s the day. So long! Goodbye! Good riddance! Fuck off and die! Got real excited. Wanted, needed, had to tell everyone. Anyone! Told my girlfriend. My girlfriend said no I won’t, that I’ll just pussy out, that I always pussy out, then rolled over, went back to snoring. Opened the kitchen window in my apartment, made the announcement to the construction workers drilling holes in the street outside my building. They flipped me the bird, fired their drills back up. Brrrrrrt. Brrrrrrt. Brrrrrrt. Dirt and dust and big fat chunks of concrete flew at my car, shattered my windshield. Poured a bowl of organic whole milk for the cat, rubbed its back. I’m quitting my job, I said. The cat hissed, pissed on my rug, shit on my couch, scratched my curtains to ribbons, turned into a witch and blew a hole in my roof as it flew away. Tweeted about it. No likes. No worries. No stopping me now. Played Bloody Mary in the bathroom. Told Bloody Mary my plan. Bloody Mary sucked my soul from my body, spit it out in the sink, faded back into my mirror. Called in to the radio station to request “Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck. Straight to voicemail. Radio caught fire. Found my birth parents. I’m quitting my job today, are you proud of me? They piled into their renovated school bus with their 17 kids (all younger than me), their 169 grandkids, their 2,280 great-grandkids, and put the pedal to the metal. Hiked Mt. Everest, made it in record time, shouted the news from the highest peak. Was thrown into an avalanche by the other hikers. Went back in time, saved JFK. I’m quitting my job, I said. He killed himself. Cured Alzheimer's, won the Nobel Prize. Mentioned quitting in my acceptance speech, got ass cancer. Went to live with monks, seek their wisdom on what to do after I quit, was forced to take a vow of silence before I got the chance. Swam across the ocean, drowned. Woke up in Heaven. Jesus, I said. Fucking Christ, he said. Came to in my childhood home, got chased out by the new residents. We’re calling the cops, they said. I’m quitting my job, I said. Fell into an abyss. Fell and fell and fell. Went down, down, down past decaying bodies and buried treasures and forgotten ancient cities where dinosaurs still roamed the land, past beings of higher-intelligence from other planets with all the answers to all the questions, beyond the known universe and the known elements and perceived reality, past simulations of simulations of our simulation, where the meaning of life was understood and love and charity and goodness were the only forms of currency, and everyone was laughing and everyone chanted together, screaming madly, blissfully, purely, insanely, happily into the void and into eternity: I’m quitting my job today! I’m quitting my job today! I’m quitting my job today! I’m quitting my job today!

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art is ‘hierve’, by nat raum, natraum.com/links. Used with permission.